It’s not unusual to hear people, generally with pride in their voice, claim that they “speak their mind” or that they “tell it like it is.” Often this is in response to having said something hurtful, or at the very least abrasive and opinionated. As someone who encourages people to speak their truth, I felt compelled to spend some time exploring the nuances of stating our own version of reality aloud to others who may be hurt, disappointed, or angry as a result.
What pieces of the exchange are our responsibility? How do we decide to speak or not? Is there a time when it is a healthier choice to remain silent? What are the criteria? How do we know if this is a truth or our truth? That’s a lot to figure out each time we have a conversation.
First, truths are simply beliefs that we have acquired on our life paths, and each of us has
walked a different way and had different experiences. So that thing that we are absolutely
positively beyond-a-shadow-of-a-doubt certain about? Yes, that is our truth and we may claim it, but it is important that we don’t make the assumption that it is anyone else’s truth. And we need to be willing to honor the other person’s truth. This encourages us to be in listen mode, which is where every conversation should begin. Otherwise we find ourselves trying to defend or convince, which is polarizing. Other choices get a little more blurry.
For example, how do we know when to speak and when to simply breathe and let it go? What are the criteria for deciding that you must confront someone about an issue? One of the first questions I ask myself is, “Will my speaking make this situation better? And by better I mean, clearer, cleaner, and healthier in our future interactions. If the answer is yes, I go for it every time.
The second area to explore is our own intention. Why do I want to make this statement? Do I want to prove I’m right, or more to the point, that the other person was in the wrong? Am I
seeking attention, vindication, or sympathy? Do I feel hurt and want them to know? Or do I want to simply feel better about myself by judging another to be wrong? These are not easy
questions to ask oneself, and the tendency is for our ego to jump to our rescue by justifying our words. And this is exactly how we end up ruminating for days, weeks, and decades over
perceived hurts and old wounds. It’s why, when we do speak, our harsh or hurtful words may have little or nothing to do with the situation at hand.
But we do need to verbally address what matters to us. We need to state our beliefs on topics
that matter. We need to gently teach people that we are not doormats to be walked upon, and that we need to receive, as well as give, respect. We need to speak up for those who have no voice. And sometimes we need to offer an alternative perspective.
So to speak or not to speak, that is the question only you can answer. Only you can examine
your intention. Only you can choose to see their truth as well as your own. Only you can know if you are coming from a place of hurt or peace. Only you can know if it is your soul or your ego that is seeking to be heard. So listen carefully, first to yourself, and then to the other person.